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Dear Hillary:

I just saw the results of your campaign song contest, and I have to say I’m rather disappointed. No, wait - “disappointed” doesn’t seem to capture the wide range of emotions raging inside me since hearing your “winner.” I’ll get right to it:

“You and I” by Celine Dion? Hillary, what the hell were you thinking?!

A has-been French Canadian is the best you can do? Now, I’m not trying to hate on Celine. In fact, I admit that she was a smarter choice than Smash Mouth or Snoop Dogg, but c’mon, you could have done better.

Think of all the bloggers out there who spent hours locked in their parents’ basements searching for the perfect song, armed with nothing but a month’s supply of Bagel Bites and a dream. Lists of potential candidates were all over Google; everything from Fleetwood Mac to the Bloodhound Gang.

We were doing it for you, Roddy, and you shut us down.

But all is not lost. Your YouTube video efforts are certainly appreciated, and we all thought it was cute how you parodied the season finale of the Sopranos, but frankly it’s got some of us worried, Hil. What if your opponents (like that sneaky John Edwards) take the fact that you chose to parody what was really a sub-par finale as a sign of weakness? Do you have a plan to combat the backlash that’s certain to come your way?

Maybe you could talk to Stephen Colbert about doing another Green Screen Challenge. You could ask fans to animate you facing off against Obama for the title...er…nomination. We’re getting down to the wire, so now’s not the time to hold back on creativity. You’ve got to stop taking prisoners and go right for the jugular.

Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe you’re trying to send us a message about a pro-Canada future if you’re elected. I could see good things coming from our neighbors to the north (like cheap meds and maple syrup). I’m trying hard to be positive about what I hope was a temporary lapse in judgment. And it could definitely have been a lot worse. At least you didn’t go with Sir Mix-a-Lot, right? That could have gotten really ugly.

Sincerely,

Bart Zino