Blogs

My mother once told me, years before she separated from my father, that I should never get married. It will be easier to leave whenever you want, she said. She did not talk about feminist ideas of marriage being part of a patriarchal society. Nor did she discuss the idea of marriage being an old institution that does not need to exist in our present time. And a few years later, when one of my brothers fathered a child, she persistently asked him when they were to tie the knot.

I think as far as my mother was concerned, I should never marry. Her daughter should not go through whatever trap she was believing marriage was at the time. I do remember being 16 or 17 years old and thinking that it can't be that easy. The only relationship I had ever been in at the time, if you want to call it that, was three months of dating a boy in high school. And when I broke up with him (because I didn't really have enough time for him or his complaining) it was still difficult because we all had the same friends.

I have not had a long term relationship, so I'm not saying that I'm an expert on anything. But when I think about my mother's advice now, after the separation, the pending divorce, her new relationship, it baffles me to why I was the bearer of this wisdom. Also, why I am the only one taking it. As the daughter I was involved in discussions on why women don't need men at this point in time. I was told that I should never settle for a man, for a lesser job, for someone else's ideas of what a perfect life should be. But in the same breath my mother would tell me what her ideas of a perfect life were.

I don't think that anything is easy enough to walk away from. In the relationships that I have had, it wasn't easy to break up. The reasons were different every time: sleeping alone for the first time in months, separating friends, etc. But just as it's not easy to leave a job or city or good doctor, it's hard to walk away from a relationship. But these are things that I don't think my mother took into consideration.

A friend's sister dated a man 13 or 14 years her senior for about eight years. They had gotten engaged. Half way through the wedding preparations she freaked out a bit. She felt claustrophobic at 28 and didn't know what to do. I imagine it was hard to have to think about a wedding, marriage, and possibility of motherhood when she wasn't even sure she had chosen the right career path. So they had a rocky break up. It's two years since and they are good friends. But it took a lot during those two years to get to the place that they are now. I'm not saying that there still aren't hard days, but for the most part they are happy knowing the other is happy.

Walking away might seem like an easy thing if you're not married. It might actually be easier if you aren't. All I know is, spending eight years of your life with someone (married or other wise) it is not an easy thing to walk away from. If I could go back I wish my mother would have simply said, marriage isn't for everyone and you can still have a wonderful, fulfilling relationship without one.