The Great Hot Sauce Taste Test
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#1 Tabasco: The Classic.When most people think hot sauce one name comes to mind: Tabasco. It’s red. It’s spicy. It’s at virtually every restaurant in town. Here’s what our judges had to say:
Best served with: vodka, chicken, eggs, beef jerky
If this sauce were a celebrity it would be: “Calista Flockhart – hot and thin,” Christopher Walken, an Olsen twin, “Chuck Norris – hard-assed and means business”
Judges’ comments: “Almost as good as Walker, Texas Rangers, but not as violent on the eyes.” “Tastes great, and tastes like Tabaso! Love it!”
#2 Frank’s Red Hot: The Girl Next Door. This sauce packs some flavor, but in the spice department it comes up a little short. Still, we have a lukewarm crush on her…
Best served with: wings and a tight shirt
If this sauce were a celebrity it would be: “Demi Moore – nice and consistent,” Ryan Seacrest, “Ray Romano- everyone loves him, but I don’t really get it,” John Goodman
Judges’ comments: “Wouldn’t kick it out of bed for eating crackers.” “Average!” “Too thin for real life.”
#3 Pusser’s Spicy Banana: The Suck Up. This sauce is a little too sweet for its own good. And Pusser’s is an unfortunate name. Whoever heard of a spicy banana anyways?
Best Served with: roast duck and mango salsa, grilled chicken and rice, plantains, ice crea, nothing
If this sauce were a celebrity it would be: Kirsten Dunst, “Paris Hilton – just bad at everything,” “Richard Simmons – fruity and bananas,” Geico Caveman
Judges’ Comments: “Great if you’re a monkey or have a banana fetish.” “I love the sweet taste to it. It would enhance all foods that don’t have flavor.”
#4 Taste of Asia Chili Sauce: The Bi-Racial. When our judges took their tortillas to this sauce they had trouble deciding if its flavor was Asian or Italian. So we ask, what’s wrong with being both?
Best served with: a slap and a stern talking to, a nice fish, Asian foods, pasta, pizza
If this sauce were a celebrity it would be: “Steve Buscemi – weird looking and makes one curious why it is in this category,” “Star Jones – lumpy and gag-inducing,” Regis Philbin
Judges’ comments: “tastes like catsup and sweet sauce”
#5 Iguana Mean Green jalapeño sauce: The Ugly Duckling. Your mother always told you to never judge a book by its cover, and the same goes for hot sauce. This green goo is a good bet as long as you don’t mind its odd appearance.
Best served with: bread, tamales prepared by an ancient Mexican housewife, revenge, white fish,
If this sauce were a celebrity it would be: America Ferrera, Kim Catrall, “Leonardo DiCaprio – some people probably love it, but it just doesn’t appeal to me”
Judge’s comments: “a salsa comparison to ‘White Chicks.’” “It’s tasty and would go well with a vegetable dish.”
#6 Pollo Tropical’s salsa picante: The Glock. This sauce is no joke. It could hang in the hood and would probably scare some of the toughest homeboys on the block. We found it produced sweat and the insatiable urge to eat bread and chocolate. Go figure.
Best served with: chicken, breaded food, the most bland food ever for balance
If this sauce were a celebrity it would be: Naomi Campbell, Fergie,
“Keifer Sutherland – just a bad ass,” Steven Tyler
Judges’ comments: “Will definitely keep stalkers away if thrown in their faces.” “Too damn hot.” “It’s got good flavor and hotness.”
#7 Dat’l Do it Devil Drops: The Kiddie Pool. This sauce is hot. How hot? Hot enough that you’re little sister can’t handle it, but you can. Right, tough guy?
Best served with: burritos, Katie Couric, melon, chicken, tofu
If this sauce were a celebrity it would be? Cheech and Chong, Drew Barrymore, Cory Feldman
Judges’ comments: “It’s got spice and flavor”
#8 Tapatío salsa picante: The Bad Uncle. If you were part of a family of condiments this would be your favorite uncle – a little naughty, a little nice and way cooler than Uncle Sour Cream.
Best served with: beans and rice, wings, cold scrambled eggs, chili
If this sauce were a celebrity who would it be? Christina Aguilera, “JLO – spicy and it will probably give you a fat ass”
Judges’ comments: “Better than some, worse than others.”
#9 Trinidad habañero pepper sauce: The Native. This sauce is foreign. Not sketchy foreign or confused foreign or worst of all snobby foreign. This sauce is exotic foreign – like that exotic bartender you met on spring break.
Best served with: pork, tacos, lime-flavored tortilla chips, chicken stir-fry
If this sauce were a celebrity it would be: Julio Iglesias, “Naomi Campbell – packs a punch,” “Ewan McGregor – a little foreign, but nice nonetheless,” Shakira
Judges’ comments: “Too thin, but then it kicks you in the teeth.”
#10 Robert Is Here mango curry hot sauce: The Diva. Whoever Robert is he is definitely a bit of an egomaniac. What kind of person names their sauce “Robert Is Here?” Robert is clearly not here, and all that’s left is his stupid hot sauce.
Best served with: duck, chicken, ethnic food, charbroiled burgers with chili,
If this sauce were a celebrity it would be: Don Imus, “Tobey Maguire – cloying and annoying,” Tom Cruise, “Paris Hilton – so hot and nasty it burns (in more places than one)”
Judges’ comments: “Dynomite.” “Just too hot to savor.” “Don’t care for all the sweetness.”
#11 Everglades Moppin’ Sauce: The Old Friend. Just because you’ve never had this sauce before doesn’t mean you won’t love it and feel like you’ve known it for years. It’s not very hot, but we can’t help feeling all buddy buddy with this neighborhood favorite.
Best served with: ribs, a beer and a smoke, chicken, BBQ beef sandwich,
If this sauce were a celebrity it would be: Clint Eastwood, Kathleen Turner, “Borat – very nice!” “James Gandolfini – heavy and thick”
Judges’ comments: “Might actually cheat on my wife with it.” “Too much BBQ.” “Creamy – would be a great marinade.”
Comments » 1
tadow writes:
i'm kind of partial to valentina hot sauce myself. good consistency...
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